Friday, July 8, 2011

Mythical Creatures

When I've had a few too many I develop what is known as "pirate eye", because I seem to lose all visual acuity in my right eye.  Which results, of course, in me squinting my right eye shut because it's useless anyway, and staring at things crazily with my left eye only.    In fairness to myself, I know that the vision in my right eye is significantly worse than the left, and neither are so good to begin with.  It stands to reason that the blurred vision associated with excessive drinking could render me effectively blind in my bad eye, hence, pirate eye.

I agreed to drink "The Kraken" spiced rum last weekend in order to amuse a number of people who felt it fitting because it somewhat resembles the name I am commonly known by ("The Granken", if that's not obvious).  Also, because the kraken are mythical scandivian sea creatures of monstrous size*, and I have, on occasion, also been referred to as a mythical creature.  When I got to the liquor store, however, and learned that The Kraken contains 47% alcohol, my mind travelled.  Rum?  Pirates?** Pirate eye?  I of course assumed that I was being set up for a very messy evening.  I am told I was being paranoid and pirate eye had not entered anyone's mind.*** Even so, I have to admit that I was apprehensive about the strength of the liquor and agreed to follow through only with a number of stipulations, as follows:

1.  Chris/Sara provide me with some mix.  I suggested coke (zero), ginger ale and ginger beer.  I encouraged Sara to be creative and throw in something else as she saw fit.

2.  Sara had to make my drinks as I tend to get more and more generous with my pours as things progress.  No one likes to slip into an alcoholic coma.

3.  At least one other person try some, too.

4.  Ensure that there was beer available so I could downshift in alcoholic content if I felt things starting to spin out of control.

5.  I leave any remaining rum at their house.  Having anything so toxic in my place could be dangerous, because I might get bored and drink it.

This is how it worked out:

1.  Sara's secret ingredient was Sunny Delight.  Which wasn't all bad.  I admit to a love of Sunny Delight.  Up until just now a secret love.  It's delicious!

2.  Sara made my drinks with glee.  No alcoholic coma for me.

3.  No one else tried The Kraken but I wasn't drinking alone, which is always a plus.

4. Sara's responsible service made the beer unnecessary.  I was in fine form - up until it was time to go home, when:

5.  I tried to take the bottle with me.  I was shut down.  To pacify me, I was sent away with a few ounces in an empty 7-Up bottle.  I freely admit that one of my favourite things to do when I get home after a night of drinking is to have one last drink to unwind.  And watch music videos on Youtube, which apparently is my new hobby.

*As it turns out, Chris and Sara's daughter is proving herself to be a sea creature of monstrous size.  She is a full half pound bigger than her brother, which may not seem like a lot, but when you're four and a quarter pounds and your brother is a mere three and three quarters, the half-pound difference is, well, monstrous.  I am not troubled by the sea creature comparison either, considering she is currently suspended in a pocket of salty amniotic fluid.  I know that Chris and Sara are fixed on her name being Molly.  I propose her middle name be Kraken in light of this situation.

**The birth certificate of the boy child will sooner than later prove his name to be Jack.  I have decided to make a personal project of teaching him to say "Why is the rum bottle always empty", in honour, of course, of Captain Jack Sparrow. If that phrase could be among his first words I would consider my time on this earth worthwhile.  It even makes sense considering fetus Jack was referred to as Johnny Depp long before his parents knew whether he was a boy or girl. 

***Sara suggested that I need not be worried about the strength of the liquor because I, myself, was already 47% alcohol.  Ahem.

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