Fertility Guru

It seems that there are people out there who believe that the state of pregnancy denotes special fertility knowledge.  I am quoting a conversation that Sara recently had with a cab driver, word for word as it was recounted to me, because there are some things in need of no embellishment.

Cab Driver:  So how far along are you?

Sara:  6.5 months.  With twins.

CD:  Oh wow... did you get any of those tests?

S: Yes, they're fine.

CD:  Cause my mom was 50 when she was pregnant with my brother and they told her that he was going to be messed up and have all sorts of problems.  But he's 6 now and fine.

S:  Oh that's good.

CD:  Yeah, she went to like 5 doctors and they all told her to get an abortion, but she didn't and only one gay doctor told her he'd be okay.  I guess you need to be gay to really know the insides of people if you know what I mean.

S:  (has no words)

CD:  So I really want to see Hangover 2.

S:  Yeah it looks good.

CD:  (takes phone call)

CD:  So I've been married for about a year and I really want to get my wife pregnant when I go back home this summer.  Do you have any tips?

S:  Not really.

CD:  Like should I bring insurance?  Like Viagra?

S:  I'm not sure that what that does to your sperm as it relates to fertility - I'd probably check that before I take it.

CD:  Is it true that women are most likely to get pregnant aout a week after their period?

S:  Yes... so you could time your trip that way... To make sure you get two cycles.  How long are you gone for?

CD:  Like a month and a half.  You mean ask my wife when she's having her period?

S:  Yes, so you can time it.

CD:  I don't think I'm comfortable doing that.  I hate the smell in the bathroom when my wife has her period.

S: (has no response)

CD:  I knocked up like 7 girls in high school - so I must be fertile, but that was 10 years ago.

S:  Uh huh.

CD:  All 7 girls had abortions... So I guess I'm responsible for killing 7 babies.

End conversation.

As some of you already know, since Chris and Sara's misconception occurred last winter during the 5 or so weeks that I lived under their roof, it was not special fertility knowledge but proximity to my sexual energy that gave Chris double-strength sperm and incited Sara to release multiple eggs in one go.  Sara recently ran into one of her neighbours while daycare shopping, and it turns out that this neighbour got herself in trouble at almost the same time as Sara... leading me to the obvious conclusion that my powers extended beyond Chris and Sara's four walls.

For those of you who feel the need to breed, don't waste your time with how-to books and ovulation thermometers. Just invite me to hang around your house through two cycles or so.  I guarantee that the women of your household and neighbourhood as a whole will start squirting out children within the following 9 months, since it appears that pregnancy follows me around much in the way a domestic cat lavishes the most attention on the person who dislikes it most.