There was a point about 5 years ago when a friend (that friend was Sara) suggested that one of the most hilarious things she could imagine was for me to turn into a Jesus-loving fitness addict, considering my unhealthy/debauched/godless lifestyle. Specifically, the image she entertained was one of me doing bicep curls and saying "love you Jesus" with each lift of the forearm.
I still don't love Jesus. However, slowing metabolism and vanity have turned me into something of an exercise fanatic in intervening years. I have grown so freakish and obsessive that it is not unusual for me to get home from 2 hours of dance class (one of my preferred modes of exercise) and deciding to go for a 5K run, just for something to do.* Or to throw my cross-trainers into my luggage for 2 days out of town hoping that my hotel has a gym, and being disappointed when it does not. It's a little out of hand. Why don't I watch television like a normal person?
If you were to poke me in the belly, your finger would be stopped by rock-hard muscle. Your finger would pass through an inch-ish of marshmallow flesh before reaching that muscle. I call this "the wino layer". Liquor consumption is the only reasonable explanation for its existence.
I bring this up because last weekend Sara had me drink Pimm's exclusively because we were celebrating a birthday** at a bar that happened to have it. Here is what I experienced. Pimm's, on its own, is sweet, almost syrupy. I didn't care for the tradtional way of mixing it with some ginger ale and adding a cucumber slice, so the bartenders made a mission of coming up with ways to serve it that I would enjoy.*** These ways involved a lot a lot of fruit/fruit juice.
Fruit, in itself, is healthy, as we all know. Fruit juice, as any personal trainer will tell you, is a bad choice in terms of calorie consumption. (Alcohol is also not recommended). I reminded myself of this the next morning as I poked at the wino layer and despaired.****
The estimated weight gain of your average lady carrying 31 weeks worth of of twins is 27 to 30 pounds. Sara comes in under that at 21 pounds so far, 6 of which we know for sure is fetus. The typical weight of everything else the average woman would be carrying is 3 pounds of placenta, 4 of amniotic fluid, 2 of breast tissue, 4 of water retention, and 7 of "fat". For those of you capable of simple math, it is clear that Sara is lacking in at least one of these areas. One would assume that her doctor would be concerned if she came up short in the placenta, breast tissue or fluid areas, so it stands to reason that at this point she has lost fat rather than gained.
I had sort of hoped that after she expelled the minions Sara and I could embark on a shared diet and exercise regime in order to shed the unwanted weight we both have accrued over the course of this pregnancy. I can't in good conscience blame the wino layer exclusively on drinking for two, but whatever. It certainly has't helped matters.
*These runs sometimes end at the liquor store. Yin yang.
**I am making special note that we were at a bar "for a birthday" specifically because Sara is well beyond being mistaken for overweight and strangers have been judging her with their eyes whenever she is in a situation where alcohol is involved. She won't even step into a liquor store anymore, not even to keep me company.
***Giving your bartender one uncommon ingredient and telling them to make you something delicious with it is pretty fun. They actually seemed excited. I got several free drinks out of it, as well as fairly quick service. They both had been enlightened to my drinking for two project, so perhaps that was additional incentive. Toward the end of the night, one of them did a shot of Pimm's with me and told me I was a "real trouper". Or trooper. That could go either way. They mean slightly different things. Look it up.
****I am really, really vain so I feel the need to point out that even with the wino layer , no one would ever describe me as "you know, the heavy set girl". However, my standards for myself are high and I know there is no reason why I shouldn't fit into slightly smaller pants.
No comments:
Post a Comment