I met Chris and Sara for a show on Friday, fueled only by a yogurt cup (at 2 p.m.) and a square of pizza (that's square, not slice, and I didn't eat the crust because I was full*). The best part of the night by far was when Sara and I were waiting at the bar and a girl in front of us doing a round of shots with some guys made the classic throw-the-liquor-over-your-shoulder-instead-of-drinking-it maneuver. You should really check the rearview mirror before pulling that move. After Sara got soaked in whiskey, she made several horrified faces, removed her whiskeyed cardigan, and tried to get the attention of whiskey-thrower by tapping not very softly on her shoulder. She may as well have been invisible. Then the girl standing on my other side poked me and said, "she shouldn't feel bad. that girl did the same thing to me an hour ago."
Six or seven tall boys of Steigl later found me dancing wildly with a middle aged Asian man, which is the last Chris and Sara saw of me before going home to relieve the babysitter, as Sara confirmed the next morning by texting me to say, "Last time we saw you you were dancing wildly with a middle aged Asian man**."
The second last time I saw me I was insisting*** that my cab driver accept a Passion Flakie as part of his tip. The last time I saw me I was cross-legged on my living room floor, for some reason listening to The Postal Service on my iPod, and devouring a jumbo Ah Caramel and 3-pack of Twinkies****. I didn't even know I had The Postal Service on my iPod. How 2003 of me.
That was Friday.
Saturday was a scheduled Star Wars marathon for the benefit of someone who had never seen any of the original three - who brought an unscheduled box of wine. At least, I didn't know the box of wine was scheduled. It soon became apparent that no one else was drinking any - Sara fell asleep sometime in between the time the Millenium Falcon left Tatooine and arrived at the asteroid field that used to be Alderaan, Chris isn't a wine drinker at the best of times, and of the two other members of our marathon, one was driving and the other never drinks red wine, having had a very bad experience in her early 20's. I felt kind of bad about it, so I decided to join the box o'wine fun, fueled only by one litre of milk (intermittently throughout the day), some potato pancake appetizer sticks and two Rice Krispie squares (all on arrival at Chris and Sara's). The wine-bringer made the classic if-I-keep-refilling-my-glass-before-it's-empty-I've-still-only-had-one-drink-right? maneuver, and he took me down with him. The end of the night found me insisting that Chris call me a cab because I couldn't see straight enough to find the cab contact on my phone, giving Sara $20 in payment of a theatre ticket she bought me, which she put on her coffee table and I (must've) picked up for cab money because the next day it had disappeared, and young Luke Winedrinker throwing the near empty box of wine into some shrubbery outside his apartment building.
On the bright side, I have a new Star Wars avatar. I always want to be Yoda, but everyone insists that I'm in no way a Yoda*****, more of a Salacious Crumb****** - which I don't entirely appreciate. Young Luke Winedrinker started the night as a Sand Person (which he didn't much appreciate - but since he's Egyptian, it just made racist sense). Half-way through the night, he announced that he'd rather be Skywalker (which surprised everyone - nobody ever wants to be Skywalker, he's such a whiny little bitch*******). Box of wine nearing on empty, Luke Winedrinker was born. As was R2Drinks2Much, which I'll take over Salacious Crumb any day.
As for the next day... I'll just say I eventually made it home and went back to sleep, cradled in my Star Wars bedding. Not before noticing the box of wine in the shrubbery and lamenting that we didn't give it to a homeless person instead.
*it's not anorexia on purpose. busy at work as usual, and I keep forgetting to eat. the stomach so shriveled it couldn't manage a full square of pizza did manage about 3 litres of beer, however.
**whatever. he liked it.
***he really, really didn't want the Flakie. It took much convincing.
****I think, in spite of Hostess' bankruptcy in the U.S. earlier this year, that you can actually still get Twinkies there. For the fun of gloating, however, I'm going to pretend that's not true. Clamato, limitless Twinkies, gun control laws and universal healthcare... life is pretty sweet on this side of the border.
*****to be clear, though, I mean the Yoda that goes through Luke's lunchbox and gets into a fight with R2D2 when Luke first lands in the Dagobah system, not the strong, patient and wise Yoda that is able to lift Luke's x-wing fighter from the swamp with the power of his mind.
******
*******
There's nothing cool about that guy. Am I right, or am I right?
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