Sit Ubu, Sit

I was on the streetcar home from work tonight, unfortunately in the presence of a screeching toddler.

I would guess that this kid was about two years old.  And holy fuck, did he ever want off the streetcar. 

I'm not going to fault him for finding the situation uncomfortable.  It was very crowded.  I don't mind a crowded streetcar if I am able to maintain enough personal space to surf out the lurches, etc.  This was not one of those rides.  Not an inch of space anywhere.  The child was ranting and crying that he didn't want to be on this streetcar, he wanted to be on the one behind.  He was clearly not a complete dullard, and had figured out (unlike many adults), that if you are waiting a train, and you see two cars come up one behind the other, and the first one is full, chances are very good that if you wait out the 45 seconds for the next one, you will find that it is going to get you to the same place, doesn't smell all that bad and has plenty of available seating.  Bravo, child.

However.

The dad first explained to him that the car behind was out of service, and the driver would not let them on if they tried.  This proved itself a useless argument, the whiner clearly not hearing and/or understanding, and/or choosing not to hear and/or understand what "out of service" meant.  Crying  up one octave.  The dad then switched gears, and tried to convince the whiner that if they weren't on the streetcar they'd have to walk, and it was both cold outside and a very long way.  This proved itself a useless argument.  The child immediately gulped out, between sobs, that he'd rather walk.  Crying up another octave.  The dad then tried to pacify the child by explaining how many more stops they had to go, and counting them down.  This proved itself a useless tactic.  The whiner maintained that he'd rather walk.  Crying up an octave with each stop.

The worst part is that when, happy days, the dad told the child that they had reached their destination and could get off the blighted streetcar, he became even more hysterical, because he didn't want to.

The leaking, squirming, screaming creature was not even what I found most annoying - and believe me when I say it was shrill.  It was the dad.  I would not describe myself as a violent person.  But I experienced a very clear vision of improvising a tracheotomy by stabbing the end of the umbrella I was carrying into his throat.  "Try to talk it out now, bitch!"*

I will give him credit for his self-composure.  There was never a trace of anger or the tiniest bit of reproach in his voice.  As the education and nurturing of children goes, I understand that he probably perceived it to be an important tutorial on the intricacies of our transit system, or maybe one of the "suck it up" of life lessons (of which there will be many).  Or maybe he was trying to sooth the child into silence by reasoning with it.  Regardless of what he was trying to do, it was a waste of his time and my patience because the child didn't hear a word of it.  Clearly, trying to reason with it was not working.  He was not listening.  All that self control for what? 

I've heard that a toddler has about the same intellectual capacity as a Labrador Retriever.  If you caught your dog in the act of tearing down and chewing up your shower curtain, would you crouch on the floor, stroke his ears, and try to explain that this was not an appropriate reaction to separation anxiety?  No, you would not.  You'd make him stop.  Even a partially retarded dog knows that when you speak in a certain tone of voice it means STOP.  It doesn't have to be violent.  It doesn't have to be mean.  There are many ways to make them understand that you're the one in charge, and that lashing out isn't going to accomplish anything.  But it seems that we live in an age where telling your unreasonable child to behave him/herself is now considered abuse**.

The twins are going on 7 months old.  I've done some reading up on developmental milestones***.  They should soon be crawling and be capable of understanding - though not vocalizing - several words.  By about age two, they should be able to speak around a 100 words and understand about 200.  An average Retriever understands about a hundred words.  An exceptionally bright Retriever understands upward of 2000 words.  In a few more months, the twins'll be talking a little bit.  Chris and Sara, I implore you, make sure that among the other words in their limited vocabulary, that they understand NO.  And STOP.  And not just when they say it.

You can nurture them and talk them through these traumatic experiences when they are calm and might actually listen to you.  Don't waste your energy trying to talk to a developing creature that understands nothing but "I'm not getting what I want".

In an effort to be helpful, I have cut and paste a list of suggestions that I found on a website of what you should expect/hope to achieve when habilitating the young.  As follows:

Step-by-Step Puppy Human Training Checklist

The arrival of a new puppy human is an exciting time for any household. Your cute and cuddly little fluff ball skin tag will immediately command center stage from the whole family. Before long though, it becomes very clear that the new arrival means there's lots for you to do, and even more for him/her to learn. Puppy Human training must top your list of priorities.

Your young puppy human is totally reliant and dependent on you to help him habituate and fit into our human, civilized, domesticated world. Your guidance and leadership will determine what path his life takes and what type of dog human he will become. During puppyhood infancy and childhood you play the lead role and are responsible for shaping the character, temperament and behavior habits that your dog human will carry throughout his life. Your puppy's human's future is in your capable hands...

Will your puppy human become a well adjusted and trusted member of society or a social outcast?

How To Train A Puppy Human - It's Not All Fun And Games!

It shocks some new puppy human owners**** when their puppy human acts like, well a puppy. The little critter Satan is a pooping machine who chews, barks, leaks, digs, sucks, cries and much more! But we still love them anyway - we just need to provide them with some direction and boundaries to follow.

If you're anything like me you probably just want to get your puppy human off to the best possible start in life, and also set them up to thrive as adults dogs. Early puppy socialization and puppy training are the keys to your success as a dog human owner.

Bringing a young pup human into our lives is a big responsibility and commitment to fulfill. Our puppies devil spawn have a long list of requirements and deadlines that must be met for their well-being and longevity. Tasks like puppy house training, crate training, basic obedience, puppy socialization, leash training basic obedience and basic obedience need to be addressed right from the very start.


*It would have been a damn shame to damage the dad's voicebox.  He had a very unassuming British accent, and excellent diction.  Kind of like Jason Statham.

**Seriously.  What's so wrong with "behave yourself" being one of these early lessons?  I understand that it's inappropriate to tell your child to shut up every time s/he is upset to be in a situation that they don't like and/or understand. But is it so very wrong that "hush" be among those early life lessons. If you've failed at working out their distress in a calm and nurturing way, why not*****?


***The minions are going to have their first pool experience this weekend.  I hear that some babies take to water almost as though they recently were embryos, swimming around a womb.  I also hear that some babies think that you are trying to drown them and scream murder.  We'll see.

****feel free to substitute "parent" for "human owner" if it makes you happy.

*****Personally, I would have dealt with this situation in one of two ways: 

1.  I would have given the "hush" or "behave yourself" command, if it was something the child had mastered.  But next time I was on a streetcar with the non-hysterical child, I would have talked them through the intracacies of the transit system, so that next time they were pissed about being on the crowded streetcar, they might have understood it when I explained it - again. 

2.  Anyone who's ever taken an intro to creative writing workshop knows about "show, don't tell".  Showing being much more effectual than telling.  He wants to walk?  Fine.  We'll walk.  He'll remember that long, cold walk the next time he complains about this particular issue.  Of course, there are some who feel that I would be a very Mean Mommy.  Althouh honestly, I don't see what's so mean about that.