In Limbo

There are two main reasons why nearly two weeks have gone by since my last post. One of those reasons is technical difficulty. The other is Kirk Cameron. In a manner of speaking. More like a spiritual crisis. But that's not exactly it, either.

It started with a day a few weeks ago when I overheard a street evangelist unequivocally prove that evolution is a sham, using the lack of a half-monkey/half-fish anywhere the fossil record as his evidence.

Coincidentally, the next day, Kirk Cameron came up in casual conversation. While I was dimly aware that he had become an evangelical Christian, I had no idea how involved and devout he was. For example, I didn't know that he very publicly agrees that the absence of half-creatures in the fossil record (specifically, the crocoduck*) is proof that evolution is "a fairy tale for grown ups".

Why was something so obvious not clear to me before? Of course if there was a half-crocodile/half duck in the fossil record, it would mean that evolution is real, but since there isn't, it isn't. Thanks for solving that mystery for me, Kirk. If you hadn't clarified that your picture of the crocoduck was, believe it or not, actually created by graphic artists, I probably never would have found Jesus.

The same evening as the crocoduck revelation, I also had the opportunity to enjoy KC in his starring role in Left Behind II: Tribulation Force**. (I had and still have not seen the original, Left Behind: The Movie, but I don't feel that I missed anything important. Nor have I seen the sequel to the sequel: Left Behind: World at War***. But I'm keeping an eye out for it).

This brush with creationism/Christianity ordinarily would not have lead me to ponder spiritual/religious matters. But Mitt Romney and the Mormons' practice of posthumous baptism**** was in the news, so religion stayed in the forefront of my mind for days.

In thinking about baptism, I recalled that when Chris and Sara were knocked up, they had a (very brief) disagreement as to whether or not they should have the kids christened. I won't reveal which parent was which. Both are basically atheists*****. As my memory goes, the one who entertained the idea the christenings reasoned that it would avoid potential conflict with his/her family, and wouldn't cause any particular harm. It's not like anyone was going to tote the kids to church Sundays and teach them that Christ is their saviour. That being said, it was determined that as atheists, it would be hypocritical to go through with a christening, so Jack and Molly are currently condemned to everlasting limbo.

When I first started writing this post two weeks ago, I was actually trying to argue that a religious upbringing maybe isn't so bad. The Ten Commandments make for an easy moral compass. The concept of heaven would make it much easier to explain "death" to a small child. At least explain it in a comforting way that makes it something non-final and maybe even nice. I was brought up Roman Catholic (albeit in a very, very casual way), and I don't think I'm any the worse for it.

The trouble is, every time I tried to go about proving that religion for children isn't necessarily bad, I realized that no, not at all, it was definitely not to be suggested******. I started to write, and re-write, and re-write this post many, many times.

On top of everything, I was getting by (marginally) with a broken cell phone. You'd think that as someone who grew up in the time before cell phones, I wouldn't have that much trouble living without one for one short week, after I stepped on mine.

Not so. I felt very much lost and alone.

I could make out enough of my screen to be able to tell whether I'd missed a call/text, but not enough to see who the call or text was from. Without my Contacts list, I had no idea how to get in touch with anyone, so even if I'd known who was calling, I wouldn't have known how to call them back. Cut off from society. Shunned. Panicky.

The clocks in my apartment are all set to different times in the effort to fool myself into getting to work by 9 a.m. But my trusty cell always had the right time.  On top of feeling like I was alone in the world, I never had any idea what time it was.  Confused. Disoriented. Panicky.

I am not trying to liken a mobile device to one of the lesser gods. But if I had happened into a conversation about my emotions with a believer like Kirk Cameron (perhaps omitting the source of my distress from the conversation), I am certain that I would have been encouraged to pray to the Lord our God, because faith in Him would see me through this difficult period in life. If you are one with the Lord you need never feel lost, confused or alone.

About a week went by, but then, praise Jesus. I bought a new phone. I felt much calmer for a few days. During which I continued to try to convince myself that religion wasn't all bad. But then my internet stopped working. Thanks for nothing, Jesus.

I entertained the idea that my lack of internet service was brought on by an angry and vengeful god, who didn't appreciate my blasphemous thoughts or my false idoltry. It turns out that my service disruption was not the result of a windstorm (an obvious act of god) but my 45 year old telephone wiring. Old wiring does not strike me as an act of god..

See? God doesn't exist.


* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOn7DInBWK4&feature=related

**here's a sample. Check it out. Comic gold. I propose a Left Behind******* drinking game where you drink every time KC mentions a Christian deity (Jesus, Christ, God). Play it only around people you know well and really trust, though, because it's a recipe for a swift black-out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfRPF5EtFsA

***All three movies were produced by Cloud Ten Pictures, a Canadian Christian movie studio. (Oh... Canada)

****I have many, many more thoughts on baptism, especially the posthumous kind, but those thoughts will have to keep for another day.

*****Both Chris and Sara (and me, for that matter) believe in ghosts, so I wondered whether belief in ghosts disqualifies one from atheism. I've determined it does not. Atheism means only that you don't believe in "god". It does not preclude you from believing in the possibility that there may be something beyond this particular life.

******Even the "nice" parts of the bible often seem to be quite bad advice. Take "turn the other cheek". I understand the message that retaliation is both a waste of time and likely to make things worse. But what would be so wrong with "stand up for yourself"? To put it in a different context, turning the other cheek is the same thing as waiting patiently while someone sodomizes you. And, when they were finished, turning to them and saying, "are you sure you're done? I've got some other holes."

*******In googling******** the Left Behind trilogy, I also learned that there is a video game. I would dearly love to get my hands on a copy:

The video game Left Behind: Eternal Forces and its two sequels, "Left Behind: Tribulation Forces" and "Left Behind 3: Rise of the Antichrist," were developed by a publicly traded company, Left Behind Games. The games are real-time strategy games where the player controls a 'Tribulation Forces' team and allows the player to "use the power of prayer to strengthen your troops in combat and wield modern military weaponry throughout the game world." The original game was released in the United States on November 14, 2006 and received mixed reviews. Distribution was initially planned to work through churches and megachurches.

Although the original game was accused of encouraging religious violence,[34] not all reviewers of the game or critics of the Left Behind series shared that view.[35][36][37][38] Representatives of the company have responded that the game's message is pacifist because shooting nonbelievers instead of converting them costs the player "spirit points", which can be recovered by pausing to pray.[39] The company also responded to these criticisms in an online newsletter,[40] stating, "There is no violence, only conflict," and, "The most successful way to fight, is through the means of spiritual warfare; PRAYER and WORSHIP. Soldiers and military weaponry are available, but once anyone plays the game, they’ll see how difficult it is to succeed by using these less effective means of warfare."

********In googling these topics, I have also acquired an Inbox full of invites to Meet Christian Singles. (Yikes).