There are two main reasons why nearly two weeks have gone by since my last post. One of those reasons is technical difficulty. The other is Kirk Cameron. In a manner of speaking. More like a spiritual crisis. But that's not exactly it, either.
It started with a day a few weeks ago when I overheard a street evangelist unequivocally prove that evolution is a sham, using the lack of a half-monkey/half-fish anywhere the fossil record as his evidence.
Coincidentally, the next day, Kirk Cameron came up in casual conversation. While I was dimly aware that he had become an evangelical Christian, I had no idea how involved and devout he was. For example, I didn't know that he very publicly agrees that the absence of half-creatures in the fossil record (specifically, the crocoduck*) is proof that evolution is "a fairy tale for grown ups".
Why was something so obvious not clear to me before? Of course if there was a half-crocodile/half duck in the fossil record, it would mean that evolution is real, but since there isn't, it isn't. Thanks for solving that mystery for me, Kirk. If you hadn't clarified that your picture of the crocoduck was, believe it or not, actually created by graphic artists, I probably never would have found Jesus.
The same evening as the crocoduck revelation, I also had the opportunity to enjoy KC in his starring role in Left Behind II: Tribulation Force**. (I had and still have not seen the original, Left Behind: The Movie, but I don't feel that I missed anything important. Nor have I seen the sequel to the sequel: Left Behind: World at War***. But I'm keeping an eye out for it).
This brush with creationism/Christianity ordinarily would not have lead me to ponder spiritual/religious matters. But Mitt Romney and the Mormons' practice of posthumous baptism**** was in the news, so religion stayed in the forefront of my mind for days.
In thinking about baptism, I recalled that when Chris and Sara were knocked up, they had a (very brief) disagreement as to whether or not they should have the kids christened. I won't reveal which parent was which. Both are basically atheists*****. As my memory goes, the one who entertained the idea the christenings reasoned that it would avoid potential conflict with his/her family, and wouldn't cause any particular harm. It's not like anyone was going to tote the kids to church Sundays and teach them that Christ is their saviour. That being said, it was determined that as atheists, it would be hypocritical to go through with a christening, so Jack and Molly are currently condemned to everlasting limbo.
When I first started writing this post two weeks ago, I was actually trying to argue that a religious upbringing maybe isn't so bad. The Ten Commandments make for an easy moral compass. The concept of heaven would make it much easier to explain "death" to a small child. At least explain it in a comforting way that makes it something non-final and maybe even nice. I was brought up Roman Catholic (albeit in a very, very casual way), and I don't think I'm any the worse for it.
The trouble is, every time I tried to go about proving that religion for children isn't necessarily bad, I realized that no, not at all, it was definitely not to be suggested******. I started to write, and re-write, and re-write this post many, many times.
On top of everything, I was getting by (marginally) with a broken cell phone. You'd think that as someone who grew up in the time before cell phones, I wouldn't have that much trouble living without one for one short week, after I stepped on mine.
Not so. I felt very much lost and alone.
I could make out enough of my screen to be able to tell whether I'd missed a call/text, but not enough to see who the call or text was from. Without my Contacts list, I had no idea how to get in touch with anyone, so even if I'd known who was calling, I wouldn't have known how to call them back. Cut off from society. Shunned. Panicky.
The clocks in my apartment are all set to different times in the effort to fool myself into getting to work by 9 a.m. But my trusty cell always had the right time. On top of feeling like I was alone in the world, I never had any idea what time it was. Confused. Disoriented. Panicky.
I am not trying to liken a mobile device to one of the lesser gods. But if I had happened into a conversation about my emotions with a believer like Kirk Cameron (perhaps omitting the source of my distress from the conversation), I am certain that I would have been encouraged to pray to the Lord our God, because faith in Him would see me through this difficult period in life. If you are one with the Lord you need never feel lost, confused or alone.
About a week went by, but then, praise Jesus. I bought a new phone. I felt much calmer for a few days. During which I continued to try to convince myself that religion wasn't all bad. But then my internet stopped working. Thanks for nothing, Jesus.
I entertained the idea that my lack of internet service was brought on by an angry and vengeful god, who didn't appreciate my blasphemous thoughts or my false idoltry. It turns out that my service disruption was not the result of a windstorm (an obvious act of god) but my 45 year old telephone wiring. Old wiring does not strike me as an act of god..
See? God doesn't exist.
* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOn7DInBWK4&feature=related
**here's a sample. Check it out. Comic gold. I propose a Left Behind******* drinking game where you drink every time KC mentions a Christian deity (Jesus, Christ, God). Play it only around people you know well and really trust, though, because it's a recipe for a swift black-out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfRPF5EtFsA
***All three movies were produced by Cloud Ten Pictures, a Canadian Christian movie studio. (Oh... Canada)
****I have many, many more thoughts on baptism, especially the posthumous kind, but those thoughts will have to keep for another day.
*****Both Chris and Sara (and me, for that matter) believe in ghosts, so I wondered whether belief in ghosts disqualifies one from atheism. I've determined it does not. Atheism means only that you don't believe in "god". It does not preclude you from believing in the possibility that there may be something beyond this particular life.
******Even the "nice" parts of the bible often seem to be quite bad advice. Take "turn the other cheek". I understand the message that retaliation is both a waste of time and likely to make things worse. But what would be so wrong with "stand up for yourself"? To put it in a different context, turning the other cheek is the same thing as waiting patiently while someone sodomizes you. And, when they were finished, turning to them and saying, "are you sure you're done? I've got some other holes."
*******In googling******** the Left Behind trilogy, I also learned that there is a video game. I would dearly love to get my hands on a copy:
The video game Left Behind: Eternal Forces and its two sequels, "Left Behind: Tribulation Forces" and "Left Behind 3: Rise of the Antichrist," were developed by a publicly traded company, Left Behind Games. The games are real-time strategy games where the player controls a 'Tribulation Forces' team and allows the player to "use the power of prayer to strengthen your troops in combat and wield modern military weaponry throughout the game world." The original game was released in the United States on November 14, 2006 and received mixed reviews. Distribution was initially planned to work through churches and megachurches.
Although the original game was accused of encouraging religious violence,[34] not all reviewers of the game or critics of the Left Behind series shared that view.[35][36][37][38] Representatives of the company have responded that the game's message is pacifist because shooting nonbelievers instead of converting them costs the player "spirit points", which can be recovered by pausing to pray.[39] The company also responded to these criticisms in an online newsletter,[40] stating, "There is no violence, only conflict," and, "The most successful way to fight, is through the means of spiritual warfare; PRAYER and WORSHIP. Soldiers and military weaponry are available, but once anyone plays the game, they’ll see how difficult it is to succeed by using these less effective means of warfare."
********In googling these topics, I have also acquired an Inbox full of invites to Meet Christian Singles. (Yikes).
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
A Modest Proposal
I planned to spend the evening exchanging texts with Sara about how the twins fared in their first swimming pool experience and writing about that. It was not to be. I won't go into how I did it, but I've effectively killed my phone, so I won't be sending or receiving any texts for awhile.
So I'm improvising.
This may be hard to believe, but baby Jack has taken a liking to me. He stares at me curiously whenever I'm around. Maybe more in a slack-jawed than curious way, but why split hairs. I have been able to captivate and/or make him stop crying several times by making my "snack hands" gesture at him - an example of which I would record and post had I not killed my phone. It's not complicated, though. I hold both hands out and wiggle my fingers around, saying "snaaaacks". Probably even more surprising than the fact that the mini-man seems to like me is the fact that I actually have held a baby. I perhaps would not have held him (for a good 20 minutes, maybe more) on Friday night had Chris not not put him in my lap. But so there.
I have this to say about my baby-holding experience: that kid's built like a Vienna sausage*.
I started out looking up the dimensions of a Vienna sausage so I could see how far off I was in guessing his proportions. I found out that a Vienna sausage is about 3/4 of an inch in diameter and 2 inches long - so both short and stout, like Jack, but I don't know how long Jack is, so I can't say whether that width/length ratio translates accurately to baby. But in looking up sausage dimensions I also ended up with all the nutritional information in front of me, so I did a little math. One Vienna sausage is about 6.25 grams and 37 calories. Fat content: 3 grams (1 saturated, 2 monounsaturated). 14 mg cholesterol, 155 mg sodium, 16 mg potassium, and 2 g protein. 1% recommended daily intake of iron. Jack is 17 pounds. Presuming he is made of the same stuff as a Vienna sausage, that translates to 44,921 calories, 3642 grams of fat (1214 saturated, 2428 monounsaturated), 18.2 grams cholesterol, 19 grams sodium, 19.7 grams potassium and 2428 grams of protein.
I read Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal in first or second year. For anyone not in the know, this is a satirical essay from 1729 wherein he suggests that the impoverished parents of Ireland would benefit financially if they sold their babies to the upper classes as cuts of meat, in that they would be spared the burden of feeding them and put a few dollars in their pockets at the same time. He also pointed out that adding baby to the menu would diversify local cuisine**.
Based on the above statistics, it is clear that baby would not make for a healthy meal. Or snack. I know that Swift was making a point and not actually championing either infantcide or cannibalism: I still respectfully suggest that eating babies is probably not the best idea. All fat. No nutrition***.
For educational purposes, I also tried to look up which species of fauna eat their young, and why, but that proved too much zoology for me. I remembered from childhood that you had to be careful with hamster babies, otherwise their mothers might eat them, so I satisfied myself with that****.
*Our connection is possibly a shared love of snacks. He is a portly fellow.
**oddly, when I looked up summaries of A Modest Proposal to make sure I wasn't getting my limited details wrong, I kept getting pop-up advertisements for Popeye's Chicken.
***Nutrition aside, I also learned that a nice Gewerztraminer is the suggested wine pairing for Vienna sausages. As a vegetarian, it is doubtful that there are any sausages - or babies - in my future, but a nice Gewerztraminer might not be out of the question.
****I've underlined some pertinent parts:
•Hamsters eat their litter for many reasons. If the litter is not weaned and you touch them then most of the time the mom will not smell her scent and might not care for them which is one way they will die, or she feels they are a threat so she will eat them.
•After a mother hamster gets pregnant you have to separate them from the males. They get stressed. That will cause them to eat their young as well. And the males try to take over.
•Another reason is the mother's overcrowding and territorial instincts. If you have too many hamsters in one cage, the mom will feel that there is not any to protect her babies anymore and will start eating them.
•Usually because she feels that they are under threat or she cannot cope with that many babies.
•Perhaps she does not feel safe. Perhaps she is underfed or missing some kind of nutrition.
•Typically a mother hamster needs to feel protected from people and other hamsters, with a comfortable partially secluded area. This may be a small nest box or a area piled high with shavings and litter, in a separate cage from other hamsters. Try not to disturb her too much when she has very young with her. Keep other pets away as well.
Read more: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Why_do_Hamsters_eat_their_babies#ixzz1ne7Xc7Cm
So I'm improvising.
This may be hard to believe, but baby Jack has taken a liking to me. He stares at me curiously whenever I'm around. Maybe more in a slack-jawed than curious way, but why split hairs. I have been able to captivate and/or make him stop crying several times by making my "snack hands" gesture at him - an example of which I would record and post had I not killed my phone. It's not complicated, though. I hold both hands out and wiggle my fingers around, saying "snaaaacks". Probably even more surprising than the fact that the mini-man seems to like me is the fact that I actually have held a baby. I perhaps would not have held him (for a good 20 minutes, maybe more) on Friday night had Chris not not put him in my lap. But so there.
I have this to say about my baby-holding experience: that kid's built like a Vienna sausage*.
I started out looking up the dimensions of a Vienna sausage so I could see how far off I was in guessing his proportions. I found out that a Vienna sausage is about 3/4 of an inch in diameter and 2 inches long - so both short and stout, like Jack, but I don't know how long Jack is, so I can't say whether that width/length ratio translates accurately to baby. But in looking up sausage dimensions I also ended up with all the nutritional information in front of me, so I did a little math. One Vienna sausage is about 6.25 grams and 37 calories. Fat content: 3 grams (1 saturated, 2 monounsaturated). 14 mg cholesterol, 155 mg sodium, 16 mg potassium, and 2 g protein. 1% recommended daily intake of iron. Jack is 17 pounds. Presuming he is made of the same stuff as a Vienna sausage, that translates to 44,921 calories, 3642 grams of fat (1214 saturated, 2428 monounsaturated), 18.2 grams cholesterol, 19 grams sodium, 19.7 grams potassium and 2428 grams of protein.
I read Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal in first or second year. For anyone not in the know, this is a satirical essay from 1729 wherein he suggests that the impoverished parents of Ireland would benefit financially if they sold their babies to the upper classes as cuts of meat, in that they would be spared the burden of feeding them and put a few dollars in their pockets at the same time. He also pointed out that adding baby to the menu would diversify local cuisine**.
Based on the above statistics, it is clear that baby would not make for a healthy meal. Or snack. I know that Swift was making a point and not actually championing either infantcide or cannibalism: I still respectfully suggest that eating babies is probably not the best idea. All fat. No nutrition***.
For educational purposes, I also tried to look up which species of fauna eat their young, and why, but that proved too much zoology for me. I remembered from childhood that you had to be careful with hamster babies, otherwise their mothers might eat them, so I satisfied myself with that****.
*Our connection is possibly a shared love of snacks. He is a portly fellow.
**oddly, when I looked up summaries of A Modest Proposal to make sure I wasn't getting my limited details wrong, I kept getting pop-up advertisements for Popeye's Chicken.
***Nutrition aside, I also learned that a nice Gewerztraminer is the suggested wine pairing for Vienna sausages. As a vegetarian, it is doubtful that there are any sausages - or babies - in my future, but a nice Gewerztraminer might not be out of the question.
****I've underlined some pertinent parts:
•Hamsters eat their litter for many reasons. If the litter is not weaned and you touch them then most of the time the mom will not smell her scent and might not care for them which is one way they will die, or she feels they are a threat so she will eat them.
•After a mother hamster gets pregnant you have to separate them from the males. They get stressed. That will cause them to eat their young as well. And the males try to take over.
•Another reason is the mother's overcrowding and territorial instincts. If you have too many hamsters in one cage, the mom will feel that there is not any to protect her babies anymore and will start eating them.
•Usually because she feels that they are under threat or she cannot cope with that many babies.
•Perhaps she does not feel safe. Perhaps she is underfed or missing some kind of nutrition.
•Typically a mother hamster needs to feel protected from people and other hamsters, with a comfortable partially secluded area. This may be a small nest box or a area piled high with shavings and litter, in a separate cage from other hamsters. Try not to disturb her too much when she has very young with her. Keep other pets away as well.
Read more: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Why_do_Hamsters_eat_their_babies#ixzz1ne7Xc7Cm
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